Heavy bodies

Heavy bodies come in the front door,

wick away the day’s heat 

and weight from their coat tails.

Onto the floor.

Their babies whining,

The children are hungry.

For more that just dinner.

For the slightest affection.

For a glance in their direction

For a hello, a kiss, a wave, a handshake. 

That’s what the office folks do.

That’s what the labourers do. 

It’s this how to get one’s affection? 

Become an office worker, labour and trial onwards to make a life of one’s own? 

Suffer enough so that you see the little ones? 

When is it enough to be seen?

In a flick of an eye, a  solomn gesture,

The desired moves away from the starved in time to whip up dinner.  

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Silver dollars

Silver spoon fed babies 

Have babies now.

And I’m remiss to acknowledge their privilege less I note the relativity of mine. 

However. 

I am not in love with them.

I don’t adore them,

 like I did before. 

Those lives of luxury, 

the quality and quantity of receiving

all they desire.  

How enticing!

They are daddy’s trust fund baby.

They gotta tell a good story 

with they stuff they own 

and the pictures of the places they’ve been.

Collections 

that make a pretty household.

And, I’m not sorry that I never had it 

and don’t have it now

like I was before.  

My family is my home

it is full of love.

Jewels more rare than many can truly account for.

Abundance comes in many forms 

this is ours, this is mine.  

It’s not a trust fund daddy and

It makes me happy.  

Something in Every Moment

I’ve tried so hard to not be what I am experiencing. Hopping from moment to moment, in chase of some distraction from the very thing I desire deeply: to find peace, to just be. 

I recently attended the last of a series of introductory meditation retreats offered through a local center and I want to go back as a volunteer. I want to do it to catch the detail of what I’ve missed and to pay back some of the generosity that was bestowed upon me, the center allowing be to attend at a fee my family could afford to give.

I’ve been thirsty for the teachings and have been listening to things constantly online or reading what I come across in the field of mindfulness and awareness. What has come to light while on this journey has been a path of quiet awakening. Little snippets of lightness. I have so much to learn and experience. I am learning how to express myself as genuinely human instead of tiring myself out acting a role of what being a person is in this society seems to want from us all. The pressure of giving into desire by buying into a system of more, more, more and busy distraction.  I’m opting out. Meditation is my radical awareness tool. It feels pretty punk rock to sit on a cushion and not “do” anything. It feels counter culture to not completely lose it and react to situations with my old stand-by habits.

I’m not there yet and nor do I envision myself to be someplace “there” in this lifetime. I feel the iceberg of heavy weight shifting in me, looking to wrangle free. This kind of freedom is available to me always and when I forget, I know by its very nature, it’s essence – I will wake up and now and again when I’ve fallen asleep. Continuously, as this is unfolding, showing me the truth, my perceptions of reality, and it is beautiful.

Here’s to finding the root of happiness and to be free of pain that is living in the setting sun world. I’m seeing a sunnier option on the horizon.

A heart

The softest wind could blow me over. The calmest waters could pull me under. 

And, yet, I try. 

I sit and live. 

Just being. 

I try.

It’s all there. The info, the input. 

I’m here.

Just breathing. 

I try. 

Old and Grey

I remember when things were different,

childlike.

I drifted through days

effortlessly searching for a kick.

Now, I sit at a office desk

with the look of chagrin,

wiped my slate clean.

Grey tables and computer screens. Humming electronics and wiring.

Coffee that never wakes me up.

I get it.

The lacks-a-daisy feeling is gone.

I hope my children find fulfillment.

Lover, walker through life.

Errands, laundry, cooking, cleaning.

We sleep to dream of easier times ahead.

Nothing lessens.

It all builds on the last moment,

compounding weight on shoulders.

Tired, slow, merciless waiting

for time relaxing and repenting at home.

Release from the day, the winter evenings,

in the summer, the ocean waves on and soothes our bodies.

Hearts so tired and old.

Weeping for the weather.

At this time

I’m here

Typing words 

Unable to articulate my gratitude for this life I’m experiencing

That this moment is perfectly what it is and I’m abiding by it, lovingly

I can’t detail but feel. 

My head and heart are one.

Interesting to know what is happening instead of reacting all the time.

Baby Blue

I keep trying to grasp the means in material form

to express my love for you, dear child.

I’ve never been quite so enamored.

Your little body curled up like the floppy loop of a bunny ear tied shoelace.

You are everything

All I have to know is found within you somehow

And once you were me.